MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET of Marine Engineer

Marine Engineer
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
taken from the "Ideal Deckhand Manual"

Product name: Engineer
Product code: r-u-up-2-69
W.H.M.I.S. classification: lower class if any class at all
Material use: Not much use at all
U.S.H.M.I.S. (GUIDELINE ONLY):

• Health- Generally an unhealthy lot
• Flammability- Unfortunately they do not burn very well
• Reactivity- Very slow (witted)
• Personal protection- Trojan extra heavy duty

Hazardous ingredients:

• May contain alcohol,
• amphetamines,
• barbiturates
• or any number of psychedelic drugs

Physical data:

• Odor- Pungent odor
• Odor threshold- Not very long (perish the thought)
• Specific gravity- Should sink if secured to an anchor
• Density- Yes, they are extremely dense

Reactivity data:

• Stability- can become very unstable if asked to think or make a decision
• Incompatibility with other lower life forms- No incompatibility (That’s a double negative to any engineers that may be having this read to them)
• Conditions of reactivity- Reactions?? Yea right!

Toxicological properties:

• Route of entry- You do not want to go there
• Irritability- Is a severe irritant
• Mutagenicity- May cause heritable genetic damage

Effects of acute exposure

• May affect: ability to problem solve, I.Q.,
• common sense.
• May cause headache and nausea.

First aid measures:

• Skin- Wash affected areas with soap and water.
• Remove Contaminated clothing; if irritation persists, see doctor
• Eyes- Look the other way, irritating but does not injure eye tissue

Additional info:

• The bilge dwellers are a lower fife form that should be avoided.

In the days of sail, this was not a problem, life was good. Now we have to put up with them until an unmanned engine room comes along. Oh what a happy day that will be.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Sura An-Náas (Mankind)

Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem

Qul a'uudhi bi rabbin naas

Malikin naas

Ilaahin naas

Min sharril wawaasil khannas

Alladhee yuwaswisu fee suduurin naas

Minal Jinnati wa naas

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Say: I seek refuge with the Lord of An-Nas.

The King of An-Nas.

The God of An-Nas.

From the evil of the whisperer who withdraws.

Who whispers in the breasts of An-Nas.

Of Jinn and An-Nas.

Here a some common machinist terms explained (Fun)

• Machine - A mechanical device for the removal of redundant parts of the operator's anatomy. It is fitted with various lethal weapons, known as tools.
• Machinist - A person suffering from the delusion that they control the above machine. Chiefly employed in exhibiting grossly inflated wage packets to non-engineering friends.
• Tool Setter - An interesting animal kept by the management and trained to replace broken tools, etc. Is very docile when deprived of sleep.
• Q.A. Inspector - A survivor of the Spanish Inquisition. His chief function is to weaken the machinist's nerve, thus rendering him easy prey to the machine. This is done by informing him that certain dimensions are oversize and, after adjustment, are then undersize by the same amount.
• Estimator - An illiterate whose mental processes cannot assimilate the fact that there are only 60 minutes in an hour.
• Tool-grinder - Someone who can grind a cutting edge on a tool and leave it in exactly the same state as before.
• Reamer - A device for producing various patterns on a bore surface.
• Tap - like a reamer but much more brittle
• Test Gauge - An instrument made of metal which has the peculiar property of momentary expansion or contraction
• Chargehand - Strict caution to be taken with this individual. From his frequent inquiries as to the number of hours you have worked, it must be assumed he is connected to the Income Tax authorities
• Laborer - This specimen has no ambition, does nothing all day and stays on overtime to finish it. Always missing when wanted. Very obliging a week before Christmas.
• Foreman - Very rarely seen except when you pick up a newspaper or fill in your football coupon
• Wagepacket - delayed action bombshell
• Bonus - Latin name for carrot
• Scrap - See Swarf
• Swarf - Chief product of engineering
• Component - By-product of the manufacture of the above
• Finish - An abstract term used by the Q.A. Inspector and something that is never good enough
• Bolt - A cylindrical piece of metal with a helical screw on the outside that is either under or oversize
• Nut - Something that never fits the above
• Location diameter - A size that is never right and is always produced by another department
• Faulty set-up - An accomplishment always achieved by the opposite shift
• Model - A standard of excellence produced accidentally
• Coolant pump - A device so designed as to deluge the machinist with oil or water when he is not looking

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.